This topic was very interesting to learn about because as we talked about the patterns in a person's life and the stages a person goes through, it was humbling to realize that life is short and I want to make the most of each precious moment.
I suppose that this is what someone going through a midlife crisis might be thinking. When people go through their midlife years they tend to consider how much time they have left--not the valuable time that has already past. Their thoughts might be directed at all the things they didn't do instead of all the things they did do. They might remember all the things they thought they wanted to do when they were younger that never became a reality. Now their life seems to be drawing to a close (this realization may be brought on by their children leaving the house, their children marrying or having children, or recognizing the fact that their bodies are aging). In some cases, it is almost like they are making a last-ditch effort to make the most of their life.
This is where the notorious big expenses come into play. The elaborate vacations, the fancy new car, and the house they always wanted may show up at this time in their lives. We may wonder, why can't someone who is going through this just be happy with the life they have lived for so many years? It wouldn't be hard to imagine them just simply living the same way the did before! When looking at the big scheme of things--the eternal perspective, if you will--a midlife crisis may seem foolish.
But one must remember a few details. It is true that when someone starts a family it seems that all resources are poured into the children and the family's well-being. Time, energy, money, and stresses are expended for the success of the family unit. All other personal goals and dreams are placed on the back burner. Once the family seems to be stable, the temptation to return to those past dreams (or new dreams and goals) becomes very potent. And why not? There are several contributing factors to this natural experience. A person in their midlife may be experiencing a sense of loss. They may feel they are losing their sense of self. Their youth! Their health! So much time has elapsed! Where did it go? Wasn't it completely swallowed up in his/her family? But what about them? As the years seem to be depleting, one might experience depression and anxiety. A sense of urgency may arise. "I must make the most of the time that is left," they might reason. A desire to leave a legacy behind or experience those things they may have missed out on, or might miss if they don't act soon, may be instilled.
Whatever the case, the name of the issue is still representational: A midlife crisis is a crisis to be dealt with. It is a hard situation to be in! But this is where priorities must be considered. What is really important? Yes, you may have spent the majority of your life raising a righteous posterity and let other things go, but wasn't that because you valued the sanctity of the family unit more than your personal desires? Didn't you feel joy and rejoicing in your posterity? Isn't that what helped you choose to be your best? Don't grandparents still love to see their grandchildren and children? The gospel and plan of happiness is all about families. Living right and seeing your family live right is REAL happiness.
This is often confused when someone reaches that point in their life where they feel they are missing something. If their family has been their focus for so long and all of a sudden they feel an emptiness in their life, then what else then to conclude that they need to compensate for it using another strategy in his/her quest for happiness (consciously or not)? This becomes a real struggle in someone's life. A real struggle. And very disorienting.
The important thing is to remember the true value of priorities. In being a witness or family member of someone going through this, it is important to remember your love of them and recognize that they may be going through an internal struggle that they will have to come to grips with. Meanwhile, if someone is going through this, the only way out (for complete healing--not a quick fix) is to evaluate what is really important. What is true happiness and what is the true source? How do I go about obtaining it? Once a plan is formulated (yes, make a plan and write it down) follow it in company with constant pleas to your Heavenly Father. He will help you find your way.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Parenting
This past week we talked about parenting! Whew! I have taken child development classes and other family classes and I am always amazed at the vast amount of research that has been done on the topic. I've had to conclude time and time again that when we become parents we are just going to have to rely on the Spirit more than anything because there will never be a textbook answer for everything. We definitely could not cover all the bases in one week, let me tell ya. But it did get me thinking about some things.
H. Wallace Goddard in his book, The Frightful and Joyous Journey of Family Life, he talks about how he was sitting in a family and the presenter asked the audience what they would give their children if they could give them anything. Goddard says the presenter offered "self-esteem" as his answer.
I remember going through my tough teenage years and struggling with the concept of self-esteem. As a teenager, it was hard to believe I was of worth when I had my struggles with friends or with members of the ward my age. It was hard to feel valued during the struggle of self-discovery. It is natural to want to feel valued and appreciated. But I finally had to conclude that I shouldn't try to talk myself up to make myself feel better. It simply didn't work! Real value, I decided, was based on something a little more eternal.
I like how Goddard puts it: "We assumed that people with high self-esteem would be happier, kinder, and more productive. But I wondered: What if my son had great self-esteem, but he was a gang leader? What if my daughters had great self-esteem but they were cruel or careless people? I also wondered about many of my heroes who appear to have had poor self-esteem. Abraham Lincoln seemed to be filled with self-doubt, but he still served heroically. Enoch saw himself as powerless and unloved. Jesus did not seem to think about himself at all."
What a powerful statement! Even Christ--the most perfect of all men--gave glory to another. Constantly throughout scripture we hear the Savior giving credit to his Heavenly Father. If anyone had a right to boast (and I'm not saying any of us have) it was the perfect man who saved the world. The only man who will come to save it again.
Goddard says that he concluded that he wanted his children to be strong, yet compassionate. I think that is beautifully said. This is what I finally had to conclude those years ago. How could I really be strong? How could I build a foundation for my life? Certainly it couldn't be me. I knew I couldn't stand alone because "I [could] not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I [knew] that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm" (2 Nephi 4:34). I knew that the one thing I could count on was my Heavenly Father and his eternal truths. So I decided to rely on him. He promised me he would look out for me, and we have had a great relationship ever since. So with Nephi I cry, "O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation" (2 Nephi 4:30).
This is what I want to teach my children firstly. It is important that they recognize their value--for it is great. But I want them to know by what means it is great, how they may obtain their potential, and by what power it is made possible. This will make them stronger than any affirmation I can give them.
H. Wallace Goddard in his book, The Frightful and Joyous Journey of Family Life, he talks about how he was sitting in a family and the presenter asked the audience what they would give their children if they could give them anything. Goddard says the presenter offered "self-esteem" as his answer.
I remember going through my tough teenage years and struggling with the concept of self-esteem. As a teenager, it was hard to believe I was of worth when I had my struggles with friends or with members of the ward my age. It was hard to feel valued during the struggle of self-discovery. It is natural to want to feel valued and appreciated. But I finally had to conclude that I shouldn't try to talk myself up to make myself feel better. It simply didn't work! Real value, I decided, was based on something a little more eternal.
I like how Goddard puts it: "We assumed that people with high self-esteem would be happier, kinder, and more productive. But I wondered: What if my son had great self-esteem, but he was a gang leader? What if my daughters had great self-esteem but they were cruel or careless people? I also wondered about many of my heroes who appear to have had poor self-esteem. Abraham Lincoln seemed to be filled with self-doubt, but he still served heroically. Enoch saw himself as powerless and unloved. Jesus did not seem to think about himself at all."
What a powerful statement! Even Christ--the most perfect of all men--gave glory to another. Constantly throughout scripture we hear the Savior giving credit to his Heavenly Father. If anyone had a right to boast (and I'm not saying any of us have) it was the perfect man who saved the world. The only man who will come to save it again.
Goddard says that he concluded that he wanted his children to be strong, yet compassionate. I think that is beautifully said. This is what I finally had to conclude those years ago. How could I really be strong? How could I build a foundation for my life? Certainly it couldn't be me. I knew I couldn't stand alone because "I [could] not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I [knew] that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm" (2 Nephi 4:34). I knew that the one thing I could count on was my Heavenly Father and his eternal truths. So I decided to rely on him. He promised me he would look out for me, and we have had a great relationship ever since. So with Nephi I cry, "O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation" (2 Nephi 4:30).
This is what I want to teach my children firstly. It is important that they recognize their value--for it is great. But I want them to know by what means it is great, how they may obtain their potential, and by what power it is made possible. This will make them stronger than any affirmation I can give them.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Mothers in the Home
This week we talked about mothers int he home. (I know I have already touched on this, but it is really important!) Since the women's equal rights movement more and more women are leaving the home to enter the work force. The number of women with children is increasing as well as the number of women with young children under preschool age. The effects on our society have been really interesting to observe.
First, a little history lesson (watered down). Prior to the industrial revolution women and men worked side by side in making their home prosper. "Industries" were a market of kind. It seems the whole family was collaborating together to make their home function in their work. True, women learned skills that were conducive to their nature, as did the men. But soon "work" became a matter of monetary value instead of an effort to keep their home functioning. Women were left at home to continue in their homemaking skills, where the men were forced to do labor to provide for the family.
In my opinion, because the definition of "work" changed, women felt their role was somehow less significant than the men's. This may have spurred the desire for "equality." I might have already quoted this once in here, but President Thomas S. Monson has said, "Equality of rights does not imply identity of functions." Today the Egalitarian philosophy demands that men and women demonstrate their equality by doing the exact same jobs. The agreement seems to be, "You put in 50% and I'll put in 50%." We both will work the same amount away from the home, and in the home, we will work the same amount.
Though this may be the desired approach. It simply is not the case. Because mothers are naturally more nurturing and more attentive to detail, the mothers end up doing most of the work in the home anyway! Despite the "agreement!" This can put a lot of wear and tear on a mother. If she has a full time job and is still doing most of the house work and child care, you can imagine the stress she may go through.
In fact, studies have shown that women who work extensively seem to show signs of depression, anxiety, and worse health overall compared to mothers who stay at home. Also their children show aggressive behavior in school that may last up to the 6th grade.
Interestingly, studies show that women who work part-time, but are still there for their children, are more likely to feel more satisfied with life and have better health overall than mothers who work full time or mothers that stay at home throughout the day.
This could be attributed to the fact that they feel more accomplished, and in so doing, feel more confident. They may get to do something they love and feel like they are contributing to the world. I believe we could call this, "being anxiously engaged in a good cause" (D&C 58:27). Though I do not condemn a part-time job that is reasonable and conducive to the family's needs, I think this need (I do believe it is a need. I think it is healthy to cultivate our talents and virtues. I personally hope I never stop learning and growing in areas I have a passion for.) can be fulfilled in many capacities. Mothers can broaden their horizons with church callings, participation in community events, volunteering, and other activities. Clearly a job is not the sole solution for the "need to get out."
What a full time mother can give to a home is irreplaceable. She is a nurturer to her family. Though a father's role is very essential in the family, there are moments that only a mother can experience with her child that creates an intimate bond. It establishes trust between parent and child in which moments of teachings life's most precious principles may occur. This can only happen when the mother is present.
Is it any wonder that the adversary wants to thwart these efforts? Is it any wonder that our society keeps changing in the final chapters of its existence? Just when teaching our children the Plan of Happiness is most crucial in order to be able to fight temptations that seem to swarm mankind? Spencer W. Kimball said, "To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold what is might be in more tranquil times. She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home--which is society's basic and most noble institution."
First, a little history lesson (watered down). Prior to the industrial revolution women and men worked side by side in making their home prosper. "Industries" were a market of kind. It seems the whole family was collaborating together to make their home function in their work. True, women learned skills that were conducive to their nature, as did the men. But soon "work" became a matter of monetary value instead of an effort to keep their home functioning. Women were left at home to continue in their homemaking skills, where the men were forced to do labor to provide for the family.
In my opinion, because the definition of "work" changed, women felt their role was somehow less significant than the men's. This may have spurred the desire for "equality." I might have already quoted this once in here, but President Thomas S. Monson has said, "Equality of rights does not imply identity of functions." Today the Egalitarian philosophy demands that men and women demonstrate their equality by doing the exact same jobs. The agreement seems to be, "You put in 50% and I'll put in 50%." We both will work the same amount away from the home, and in the home, we will work the same amount.
Though this may be the desired approach. It simply is not the case. Because mothers are naturally more nurturing and more attentive to detail, the mothers end up doing most of the work in the home anyway! Despite the "agreement!" This can put a lot of wear and tear on a mother. If she has a full time job and is still doing most of the house work and child care, you can imagine the stress she may go through.
In fact, studies have shown that women who work extensively seem to show signs of depression, anxiety, and worse health overall compared to mothers who stay at home. Also their children show aggressive behavior in school that may last up to the 6th grade.
Interestingly, studies show that women who work part-time, but are still there for their children, are more likely to feel more satisfied with life and have better health overall than mothers who work full time or mothers that stay at home throughout the day.
This could be attributed to the fact that they feel more accomplished, and in so doing, feel more confident. They may get to do something they love and feel like they are contributing to the world. I believe we could call this, "being anxiously engaged in a good cause" (D&C 58:27). Though I do not condemn a part-time job that is reasonable and conducive to the family's needs, I think this need (I do believe it is a need. I think it is healthy to cultivate our talents and virtues. I personally hope I never stop learning and growing in areas I have a passion for.) can be fulfilled in many capacities. Mothers can broaden their horizons with church callings, participation in community events, volunteering, and other activities. Clearly a job is not the sole solution for the "need to get out."
What a full time mother can give to a home is irreplaceable. She is a nurturer to her family. Though a father's role is very essential in the family, there are moments that only a mother can experience with her child that creates an intimate bond. It establishes trust between parent and child in which moments of teachings life's most precious principles may occur. This can only happen when the mother is present.
Is it any wonder that the adversary wants to thwart these efforts? Is it any wonder that our society keeps changing in the final chapters of its existence? Just when teaching our children the Plan of Happiness is most crucial in order to be able to fight temptations that seem to swarm mankind? Spencer W. Kimball said, "To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold what is might be in more tranquil times. She has been placed here to help to enrich, to protect, and to guard the home--which is society's basic and most noble institution."
It may seem unfair that a father is to provide entirely and singlehandedly for the temporal needs of his family. It may be especially difficult when the mother in the family can work just as well or easier. But in fact, Ezra Taft Benson strongly encouraged men to be the providers for their family so they can encourage their wives to stay in the home and nurture their children. There was once a man who was asked to take the garbage out by his wife. His demeaning response was, “I’ll take the trash out when you get a full-time job.” A good provider understands that the nurturing powers of women are priceless. With all the money in the world—no matter how much they will ever make, they could never buy what a mother can do for her children. It is a sacred role that deserves respect and support. Of course,there are circumstances that necessitate added income. Even the Proclamation to the World, addresses that "individual adaptation" may be necessary. However, the principle still stands. Mothers have and will always be meant to nurture their children primarily.
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