Communication

What do most couples go in for counseling? COMMUNICATION!!! I am a strong believer that most problems arise out of a lack of communication in a way that you can be open with your spouse. If a couple can honestly and effectively communicate with each other, they will be more likely to understand one another and each others needs (ok, that sounds like common sense, but bear with me).

There are different ways to communicate. One is to verbally communicate and the other is to non-verbally communicate. Both may be misleading and hurtful. For example:

A husband wants to watch a movie with his wife one night and asks her if she would like to watch the movie with him. She feels like she just got the kids in bed and she finally can have some time to herself. But she doesn't want to be selfish either because she knows he has had a long day and wants to unwind, so she decides to test the water to see if there can be some compromise. She sighs as she answers, "Ummm...maybe, if you want to." Now the husband may not know it, but he is in a predicament. She just agreed to watch the movie verbally, but non-verbally, she is communicating something different. He could take the initiative and put the movie in without any additional inquiries, and by so doing indicate (with nonverbal cues) that he did not pick up on her nonverbal cues (her sigh). She then might wonder if he really cares about her needs. Does he not care that she is tired and apprehensive about watching the movie? Or he could ask her if she really wanted to watch the movie. He could indicate that he wants to know if something else is more pressing, or if she would rather do something else.

As you can see, a lot of what we say is dependent on the way we communicate them. The tone of voice, the body's posture, the position of the head, eye contact, etc. It doesn't always matter what we say, but how we say it. This is why some marriages get in trouble.

Now, I do not blame women for ineffective communication, but can I submit that women are too good at communicating? Women are really good at identifying nonverbal cues. (I personally think that this is why we are so good at nurturing children.) Two women can have a whole conversation by not saying anything at all! But they are also very quick to pick up on someone's feelings. We don't necessarily know how or why, but the fact still remains (although I could give some pretty good guesses relating to the Plan of Salvation). This presents a problem because women expect that men interpret cues the same way! When we give nonverbal cues that another woman would pick up on, and a man is unresponsive, we can pass him off as inconsiderate and rude. But that simply may not be the case. Men may just simply have a harder time understanding.
This is only one reason why communication may fail in a marriage. There are other reasons that communication is impeded, but this is one that I think is prevalent in many marriages.

Active listening is a useful way to combat these difficulties. Active listening in a marriage is where someone will repeat back to their spouse the impression they have of what they think their spouse is trying to say. Using the same example, after hearing his wife's response to the idea of a movie, the husband might say, "What I understand is that you are a little reluctant to watch the movie. Is that right?" This opens up an opportunity for the couple to discuss the matter honestly. This way, mixed signals won't get interpreted the wrong way. The couple is free to speak honestly and frankly with one another, of course, in love.

Not only can nonverbal communication be fruitless, but verbal communication can damage a marriage. I've already written about his in my other blog some time back, but John M. Gottman identifies what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In his experience, these qualities can ruin a marriage. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I feel the first three are self-explanatory, so I will explain the fourth. Stonewalling is very characteristic of men. This usually happens when a conflict arises and the man becomes flooded. My interpretation of this is when emotions run too high and the frontal lobes of the brain take a defensive stance to avoid being overwhelmed. When this happens, the brain cannot even think clearly or logically. It just wants out. A woman's response to flooding might be to release her emotion (crying, venting, etc.). This is altogether healthy, if it doesn't involve the other horsemen because it involves an expression of one's feelings. But a man's response is a a little more dangerous. He might throw up a wall. Stonewalling is treacherous in a marriage because

it blocks off all communication. Though a man may be just trying to regain his composure, this may result in completely ignoring his wife and her concerns. This causes even more frustration for both parties when the woman accuses him of “not caring” about her or the problem.

We can avoid most of these problems by heeding the council in James chapter four. James says, “Speak not evil one of another, brathern. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge” (James 4:11). James recognized that evil speaking of one other, and might I add to one another, was damaging to the spirit. He knew this was a problem among members and described the tongue as thus:

“And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God” (James 3:6-9).

Isn’t it so true that we can give such praises, kind and affirmative words, while at the same time, we can turn around and deliver criticisms, insults, and accusations. “Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing[s] and cursing[s]. My brethren [and sisters], these things ought not so to be” (James 3:10). These things ought not to be! Can you see how we may contradict ourselves in deed when we may tell our loved one we love them, and in the same breath complain of their imperfections, when in reality, it is ourselves that need to change? This ought not be. We should “let no corrupt communication procced out of [our] mouth[s], but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephiesians 4:29).

So why should we speak? For the use of edifying and ministering grace. In other words, we communicate out of love—for the benefit of the hearer. Not to demean or to outsmart our spouse. Not to manipulate. Not to secure our dominant status. To love and to benefit. C.S. Lewis said:

“When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard…[Yet] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it oly prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.”

The root of good communication is a good heart. If our hearts are pure and single to the glory of God, how much better we will be to our families and spouse. If we cultivate a loving atmosphere, so much that it becomes a part of us, we are likely to avoid the Four Horsemen and meet the needs of our spouse out of love. Though active listening and other important skills facilitate communication, it is not the solve all. We need our hearts to be knit as one in love to effectively communicate.

Family Crisis

This week was on family crises. We studied how families can react in a crisis and family members' different functions in the crisis. I noticed that a lot of reactions to a crisis were very similar among various groups of people. There is a tendency to push blame on other people, there is a tendency to deny the crisis's existence, and there is a tendency to avoid the crisis all together. All are very natural reactions.
But my friends, we are here on earth to transcend what is natural to do, for the natural man is an enemy of God and has been from the fall of Adam (Mosiah 3:19). What best helps families in a crisis is when the family forms a structure in which they can lean on each other. I think of this as a teepee formation. The family can lean on one another, but they must also be strong enough to be reliable. There is a delicate balance of being aware of the needs of family members, but also an attendance to one's self. One has to be reliant in order to extend their help to family members.
I think the most impact in a family crisis was the families interpretation of the crisis. In a crisis there are certain elements that contributes to the stress levels in a crisis. First, three is the event. This could be a divorce, death, illness, etc. The second factor is the families resources and available to the family. Then one must consider the plan of action executed by the family. And finally, how the family looks at the crisis. If the family defines the event as a crisis, their way of coping may be ineffective. But if the family looks at it in a different light, their experience will be valuable. They may find themselves learning from their experiences and seeing the benefits of their trials. Remember, all things can be for our learning and good (D&C 122:7). Also, if families look at the event with an eternal perspective, they will know that in time, they may look back on the crisis as something that was actually trivial down the road. The memories of the stress and pain will not remain as potent, but they will be able to look at their experience more objectively. Why not try to do so now? Easier said than done. But if we try to keep things in perspective, we will be able to avoid unwanted and unneeded stress.

Marital Intimacy

OK...so this may be the most awkward subject to touch on...for everyone....
First I think I will talk about intimacy in marriage and then raise a warning voice to those who are not yet married.
Intimacy is to be treated with the respect it deserves. Like the temple, it is not secret, but sacred. Jeffery R. Holland gave a very good talk: "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." I highly suggest all read it. He expresses how intimacy is a beautiful thing that takes place between a man and a woman. It is a way of showing our love and devotion to our spouses. There are some real reasons why we are encouraged to be intimate--and not only in the creation of children. Again. Read it. If you have already read it (I have read this a total of three times now) read it again.
Marital intimacy is very important in marriage apparently. Problems in this area has actually been a main component in most divorces--especially LDS divorces. Why? Something we learned in class this week was very interesting: most divorces related to the subject are not directly resulting from sexual disorders or dissatisfaction, but because of underlying issues. Usually the couple that has trouble in this area has trouble BECAUSE of another area in their relationship. For a woman, it is very hard to get close to a man when she feels he wronged her in some way. It isn't easy to give yourself to someone you feel is exuding betrayal. Or perhaps a man feels inadequacy. If he feels he is failing in other areas in the marriage, he may feel pressure to perform in well in this area as well. This kind of fear is setting ones self up for failure since the body simply can't perform under pressure. Thus we see that one form of intimacy affects other forms of intimacy. We can see how we might be quickly swept away in a downward spiral of failure followed by failure, or in an uplifting cycle undeviating of friendship and devotion.
Marital intimacy should never be selfish. Howard W. Hunter said, "You are to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it . . . Tenderness and respect--never selfishness--must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other's needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord."
Similarly, in a dating situation one should be very aware of the well-being of the person they are dating. For some reason, once youth find the "special" boyfriend or girlfriend they feel they have an obligation (a RIGHT even!) to come into some physical contact. I do not condemn every display of affection. But there are some strict lines of council from church leaders. "We must clearly explain to our children that passionate kissing and 'making out' should be left until after marriage. Too many young couples falsely believe that because they are dating or engaged they can relax these constraints. Yet it is during this emotion-filled time that the greatest care should be taken to build and preserve a virtuous relationship."
I have to say, when my husband and I were dating, we did not kiss until we were engaged. Extreme right? From the time I was a youth I felt I had a duty to my future husband to make my kisses as valuable as possible. Consider the following poem:

The more the dollar is printed,
The less each one is worth,
And so it is with kisses,
You've given since your birth.
The value of your kisses,
A sample cannot measure.
Nor is your kiss more worthy,
If it's said to give one pleasure.
The more and more you give away,
The better your kiss is known,
And to all the world your kiss is cheap,
And your affection shown.
But if you save your kiss, no matter what the cost,
You'll find as time moves foreword,
A chance you've saved, not lost.
And when you find the one you love,
With whom you'll live life through,
Think of the worth of a perfect kiss,
If saved "for only you."

This was what I had in mind for my future family. I wanted my kiss to mean something to my husband that was to be only expressed to him alone. And it worked! People have asked me if that was only because I didn't have the opportunity to kiss other guys. As if having the chance meant I could not resist the opportunity. Yes I did have the chance. Many chances. But I had a goal in mind and I was determined to meet it.
Yes, I understand this is extreme. But please, don't make your kisses cheap and used to express lust and not love. "What is miscalled the soul kiss is an abomination and stirs passion that results in the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one. … When the unmarried yield to the lust that induces intimacies and indulgence, they have permitted the body to dominate and have placed the spirit in chains. It is unthinkable that anyone could call this love." Please, don't make this mistake. I promise you will regret it. You will wish you had not shared that part of yourself (I am clearly not speaking of just intimacy here!) with another person and not your spouse alone.
The brethren have told us that we are not to do ANYTHING that arouses those kinds of feelings outside of marriage. Can you honestly say that when you make out with someone you feel NOTHING! No. If that were the case, it would be easy to give up. This would prevent many people from getting into trouble.
Please, please, please. Avoid the Godly sorrow you may feel later.
Ok, I'm getting off of my soap box. I have strong opinions about this one, because I have seen the effects on the youth of today. It breaks my heart to see people who do not realize what they are doing to themselves. It is a horrible reality.
I cannot leave this page without making something very clear. In any relationship we must be very considerate to the other person. If you are single, you must be very careful and considerate of the other person and their well-being. In a marriage the same rule applies. In my marriage we do not do anything to hurt, take advantage of, or exploit the other person. We express our love and affection in a way that is righteous. We are controlled, tender, and unselfish. This is love. This is what marriage is all about. It is about the other person because you love them so much you would do anything for them--even restrain yourself. I know that this beautiful part of marriage is meant for us to be enjoyed and cherished.

Marital Transitions

This week we talked about how to avoid the baby blues. This was an interesting topic for me because we are obviously not at that point in our marriage yet and it is something that we will be going through in our near future (relatively).
We talked about how and why mothers and fathers may feel a decline in their marital satisfaction after a baby is born. In a nut shell, the woman may feel overburdened (her work load goes up around 64%) and that the father isn't doing much to help. She feels an extra amount of stress and pressure. Plus, she is EXHAUSTED. That never helps. On the flip side, the father's work load goes up too (around 20-30%) and is also feeling a little overworked from that little stinker who is living with them now. He feels he is putting in a lot of effort that is not appreciated (remember because the new mother has a bigger work load). Also, a new mom can become a little "protective" of her new child and want to supervise everything the new father is doing when he is helping out so he does it "the right way". This can add more stress to both parties.
But luckily there are ways to avoid this. I thought about this a lot because I could see myself being that kind of mother. I would want some support and I would want my husband to be involved in the child care, but I might be inclined to give him some negative feedback when he does want to help, if it wasn't to my "satisfaction". I would view this as a "teaching" opportunity and once it was rectified would think all is well in Zion. But he would still feel a little mistrust on my part and perhaps a sense of inadequacy. That would not be good for either of us.
So all in all, this was a very good chapter for me to read! When that time comes I've committed myself to making a special effort to give my husband the adequate attention he needs (also, some husbands may feel neglected because the baby is taking up the time they would normally spend together) and giving him positive reinforcement when he wants to help with baby. Also, encouraging his involvement can help the father and child bond. I think it is all a matter of attitude. There are things we can do to encourage good attitudes and harmony in our home, but if we both have good attitudes about our new situation (it may not always be easy, but possible!) we will get through without it affecting our relationship too drastically.
Any other suggestions? Please comment :)

Dating

So first a word to my family who is getting these by e-mail. For those of you who don't know (I never really got around to explaining what this was), this is a blog that I created for one of my classes. I get credit for writing a blog for each unit, and thought you might be interested in the stuff I'm learning. Please if you get the chance, visit this blog at http://myforverfamily.blogspot.com/ (yes, "forever" is spelled "forver" hehe) and comment. I only say this because a few of you have e-mailed me back with great comments, and I would love for them to be on the blog. Plus my teacher will like me more :)
Last week we talked about the "rules of attraction" and dating. I'm kind of at a loss to write about this since I am finished with my dating career and happily married. I may not necessarily have any personal application in this area, so I suppose I'll address my remarks to those who are not married.
Dating is essential before marriage. Period. It is necessary because if you don't date for a long enough of a period (I am not about to define what that would be, since I believe it is different for everyone), you may find yourself falsely attracted to someone. This means that you think the person you are "twitterpated with" is actually someone else. Sometimes in the dating world we are so certain we like someone or even love someone if we think we already know who they are! But the truth of it is, we may only know about a percentage of their character traits and/or life, and then our minds fill in the rest of the missing information. So we only perceive we are getting the whole picture. This is a dangerous position to be in, because we are most vulnerable when we think we are safe. Not to say that twitterpation in of itself is dangerous. It is perfectly natural to be twitterpated and feel those God-given feelings. But don't get too carried away.
So my advice (and it seems like stating the obvious) is to date long enough to see your potential partner in life in a variety of situations. Don't let your mind fill in the blanks--let your experiences let the person's character show through. Date in a way that you will see all sides of the person before committing to anything. Date until you can almost predict what the other person would do in any given situation.
Now, this doesn't mean you should purposely provoke your date into an argument. I'm just saying you should explore all the fields. Talk about all kinds of topics. Chances are you are going to disagree on a few. Get their opinion. Genuinely listen and learn from what they have to say. Try to do a variety of activities. And most importantly TALK. This is easy for girls, and not as easy for guys. But it is essential in a relationship. Eyes are not necessarily the window to the soul, but the words that come from someone's mouth. This is just a little bit of advice.