There are different ways to communicate. One is to verbally communicate and the other is to non-verbally communicate. Both may be misleading and hurtful. For example:
A husband wants to watch a movie with his wife one night and asks her if she would like to watch the movie with him. She feels like she just got the kids in bed and she finally can have some time to herself. But she doesn't want to be selfish either because she knows he has had a long day and wants to unwind, so she decides to test the water to see if there can be some compromise. She sighs as she answers, "Ummm...maybe, if you want to." Now the husband may not know it, but he is in a predicament. She just agreed to watch the movie verbally, but non-verbally, she is communicating something different. He could take the initiative and put the movie in without any additional inquiries, and by so doing indicate (with nonverbal cues) that he did not pick up on her nonverbal cues (her sigh). She then might wonder if he really cares about her needs. Does he not care that she is tired and apprehensive about watching the movie? Or he could ask her if she really wanted to watch the movie. He could indicate that he wants to know if something else is more pressing, or if she would rather do something else.
As you can see, a lot of what we say is dependent on the way we communicate them. The tone of voice, the body's posture, the position of the head, eye contact, etc. It doesn't always matter what we say, but how we say it. This is why some marriages get in trouble.
Now, I do not blame women for ineffective communication, but can I submit that women are too good at communicating? Women are really good at identifying nonverbal cues. (I personally think that this is why we are so good at nurturing children.) Two women can have a whole conversation by not saying anything at all! But they are also very quick to pick up on someone's feelings. We don't necessarily know how or why, but the fact still remains (although I could give some pretty good guesses relating to the Plan of Salvation). This presents a problem because women expect that men interpret cues the same way! When we give nonverbal cues that another woman would pick up on, and a man is unresponsive, we can pass him off as inconsiderate and rude. But that simply may not be the case. Men may just simply have a harder time understanding.
This is only one reason why communication may fail in a marriage. There are other reasons that communication is impeded, but this is one that I think is prevalent in many marriages.
Active listening is a useful way to combat these difficulties. Active listening in a marriage is where someone will repeat back to their spouse the impression they have of what they think their spouse is trying to say. Using the same example, after hearing his wife's response to the idea of a movie, the husband might say, "What I understand is that you are a little reluctant to watch the movie. Is that right?" This opens up an opportunity for the couple to discuss the matter honestly. This way, mixed signals won't get interpreted the wrong way. The couple is free to speak honestly and frankly with one another, of course, in love.
Not only can nonverbal communication be fruitless, but verbal communication can damage a marriage. I've already written about his in my other blog some time back, but John M. Gottman identifies what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In his experience, these qualities can ruin a marriage. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I feel the first three are self-explanatory, so I will explain the fourth. Stonewalling is very characteristic of men. This usually happens when a conflict arises and the man becomes flooded. My interpretation of this is when emotions run too high and the frontal lobes of the brain take a defensive stance to avoid being overwhelmed. When this happens, the brain cannot even think clearly or logically. It just wants out. A woman's response to flooding might be to release her emotion (crying, venting, etc.). This is altogether healthy, if it doesn't involve the other horsemen because it involves an expression of one's feelings. But a man's response is a a little more dangerous. He might throw up a wall. Stonewalling is treacherous in a marriage because
it blocks off all communication. Though a man may be just trying to regain his composure, this may result in completely ignoring his wife and her concerns. This causes even more frustration for both parties when the woman accuses him of “not caring” about her or the problem.
We can avoid most of these problems by heeding the council in James chapter four. James says, “Speak not evil one of another, brathern. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge” (James 4:11). James recognized that evil speaking of one other, and might I add to one another, was damaging to the spirit. He knew this was a problem among members and described the tongue as thus:
“And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God” (James 3:6-9).
Isn’t it so true that we can give such praises, kind and affirmative words, while at the same time, we can turn around and deliver criticisms, insults, and accusations. “Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing[s] and cursing[s]. My brethren [and sisters], these things ought not so to be” (James 3:10). These things ought not to be! Can you see how we may contradict ourselves in deed when we may tell our loved one we love them, and in the same breath complain of their imperfections, when in reality, it is ourselves that need to change? This ought not be. We should “let no corrupt communication procced out of [our] mouth[s], but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephiesians 4:29).
So why should we speak? For the use of edifying and ministering grace. In other words, we communicate out of love—for the benefit of the hearer. Not to demean or to outsmart our spouse. Not to manipulate. Not to secure our dominant status. To love and to benefit. C.S. Lewis said:
“When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard…[Yet] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it oly prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.”
The root of good communication is a good heart. If our hearts are pure and single to the glory of God, how much better we will be to our families and spouse. If we cultivate a loving atmosphere, so much that it becomes a part of us, we are likely to avoid the Four Horsemen and meet the needs of our spouse out of love. Though active listening and other important skills facilitate communication, it is not the solve all. We need our hearts to be knit as one in love to effectively communicate.
One thing is interesting in our family. We were taught by mom to be compassionate, and that often means putting others needs before our own. Though that is good social competence, it wears on us and isn't healthy. Our needs need to be met and if we're always masking what we want (like the wife watching the movie instead of resting) then she is not going to be satisfied (and neither her husband for that matter).
ReplyDeleteNot only do women pick up on signals great, but it is mostly with women! You see, men don't show much emotion or feeling (only to ge angry it seems) and so how are women able to read them if they never give any signals! It seems that women are more needy than men because we are always expressing ourselves more than them, but men have just as many needs as women. So
men, share your needs!
Men also don't sit and think about their feeings, so often they won't know what they are. They don't know what to do after a while and sometimes that leads to certain actions.
I just learned that my visiting teacher's husband went through a mid-life crisis a while back and went out and bought a car and put stickers all over and painted a big 54 because that's how old his wife was and that's how old his mother was when she died. Luckily now they are back together and doing much better. So he found a way to express himself because at some point it has to come out. Whether he knew what he was feeling, the reasons of taking such an action, or completely oblivious and just wanted something different in his life, if they had had better communication, they might have avoided the whole thing. But it requires one to really sit and think about themselves. Men aren't too good at that. So that is our problem as women.
I like how you added that couples should speak to each other in love. Love, as an action word or an adjective. Though my husband and I have many disagreements, I wouldn't say we ever fight. We disagree, yes, but when we speak to each other, it is always respectful of the other person's feelings. I wish more people did that in this world.
I understand that only good things should come out of our mouth...but I have to be honest. If you were not able to vent sometimes, it would get all bottled up inside and explode. So keep that in mind. It's ok to say things, but try to say them out of love, not contention. For example, it may REALLY bother you that he leaves open the kitchen cupboard doors when he pulls something out. Of COURSE you should say something or it will drive you nuts and your relationship will suffer. Kindly tell him what the problem is instead of making accusations in contempt. Let your thoughts be known, and hopefully he will be man enough to take them and because he loves you, do his best to fix them. And in return, he may come to you and say something. It is then your turn to do your best for him.
Good point about the rats. Haven't heard that one before...