Marital Intimacy

OK...so this may be the most awkward subject to touch on...for everyone....
First I think I will talk about intimacy in marriage and then raise a warning voice to those who are not yet married.
Intimacy is to be treated with the respect it deserves. Like the temple, it is not secret, but sacred. Jeffery R. Holland gave a very good talk: "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments." I highly suggest all read it. He expresses how intimacy is a beautiful thing that takes place between a man and a woman. It is a way of showing our love and devotion to our spouses. There are some real reasons why we are encouraged to be intimate--and not only in the creation of children. Again. Read it. If you have already read it (I have read this a total of three times now) read it again.
Marital intimacy is very important in marriage apparently. Problems in this area has actually been a main component in most divorces--especially LDS divorces. Why? Something we learned in class this week was very interesting: most divorces related to the subject are not directly resulting from sexual disorders or dissatisfaction, but because of underlying issues. Usually the couple that has trouble in this area has trouble BECAUSE of another area in their relationship. For a woman, it is very hard to get close to a man when she feels he wronged her in some way. It isn't easy to give yourself to someone you feel is exuding betrayal. Or perhaps a man feels inadequacy. If he feels he is failing in other areas in the marriage, he may feel pressure to perform in well in this area as well. This kind of fear is setting ones self up for failure since the body simply can't perform under pressure. Thus we see that one form of intimacy affects other forms of intimacy. We can see how we might be quickly swept away in a downward spiral of failure followed by failure, or in an uplifting cycle undeviating of friendship and devotion.
Marital intimacy should never be selfish. Howard W. Hunter said, "You are to love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it . . . Tenderness and respect--never selfishness--must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other's needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord."
Similarly, in a dating situation one should be very aware of the well-being of the person they are dating. For some reason, once youth find the "special" boyfriend or girlfriend they feel they have an obligation (a RIGHT even!) to come into some physical contact. I do not condemn every display of affection. But there are some strict lines of council from church leaders. "We must clearly explain to our children that passionate kissing and 'making out' should be left until after marriage. Too many young couples falsely believe that because they are dating or engaged they can relax these constraints. Yet it is during this emotion-filled time that the greatest care should be taken to build and preserve a virtuous relationship."
I have to say, when my husband and I were dating, we did not kiss until we were engaged. Extreme right? From the time I was a youth I felt I had a duty to my future husband to make my kisses as valuable as possible. Consider the following poem:

The more the dollar is printed,
The less each one is worth,
And so it is with kisses,
You've given since your birth.
The value of your kisses,
A sample cannot measure.
Nor is your kiss more worthy,
If it's said to give one pleasure.
The more and more you give away,
The better your kiss is known,
And to all the world your kiss is cheap,
And your affection shown.
But if you save your kiss, no matter what the cost,
You'll find as time moves foreword,
A chance you've saved, not lost.
And when you find the one you love,
With whom you'll live life through,
Think of the worth of a perfect kiss,
If saved "for only you."

This was what I had in mind for my future family. I wanted my kiss to mean something to my husband that was to be only expressed to him alone. And it worked! People have asked me if that was only because I didn't have the opportunity to kiss other guys. As if having the chance meant I could not resist the opportunity. Yes I did have the chance. Many chances. But I had a goal in mind and I was determined to meet it.
Yes, I understand this is extreme. But please, don't make your kisses cheap and used to express lust and not love. "What is miscalled the soul kiss is an abomination and stirs passion that results in the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one. … When the unmarried yield to the lust that induces intimacies and indulgence, they have permitted the body to dominate and have placed the spirit in chains. It is unthinkable that anyone could call this love." Please, don't make this mistake. I promise you will regret it. You will wish you had not shared that part of yourself (I am clearly not speaking of just intimacy here!) with another person and not your spouse alone.
The brethren have told us that we are not to do ANYTHING that arouses those kinds of feelings outside of marriage. Can you honestly say that when you make out with someone you feel NOTHING! No. If that were the case, it would be easy to give up. This would prevent many people from getting into trouble.
Please, please, please. Avoid the Godly sorrow you may feel later.
Ok, I'm getting off of my soap box. I have strong opinions about this one, because I have seen the effects on the youth of today. It breaks my heart to see people who do not realize what they are doing to themselves. It is a horrible reality.
I cannot leave this page without making something very clear. In any relationship we must be very considerate to the other person. If you are single, you must be very careful and considerate of the other person and their well-being. In a marriage the same rule applies. In my marriage we do not do anything to hurt, take advantage of, or exploit the other person. We express our love and affection in a way that is righteous. We are controlled, tender, and unselfish. This is love. This is what marriage is all about. It is about the other person because you love them so much you would do anything for them--even restrain yourself. I know that this beautiful part of marriage is meant for us to be enjoyed and cherished.